Using your child as a confidante in a divorce

Many parents fall into the trap of using their child as a confidante in their marriage/relationship or while going through a separation or divorce.

If there is only one child, sometimes both parents will confide separately in that child about the other parent, confusing that child about who the other parent really is. The child becomes the parent in the relationship and learns that relationships are not secure.

If there are children in the relationship, often each parent will confide in a child closest to them. This divides the children against the other parent.

It is psychologically damaging the child/children long term. This turns children into your secret keepers, proxy counsellors, proxy spouces or mediators.

The parent undermines the other parent to the child/children. E.g. “Your father is too hard on you!! Don’t listen to him!!”

“Don’t tell your mum I’ve got a girlfriend!!”

Children who are used as secret keepers between parents develop longterm depression and anxiety. The affects of this can be generational.

Boundaries are blurred when parents treat their children as friends, confiding in them with their most intimate secrets.

Children become adults who do not have confidence in their own relationships and it affects their relationship with both parents. They lose a sense of who they are meant to be.

Children should be allowed to remain children without the burden of adult issues they do not have the maturity to carry. They learn to push their own issues down while supporting their parent/parents emotional needs.