Relationships And Conflict

How well do you listen?

During conflict it is easy to get carried away in the moment.

Your partner is complaining about you and you want to remind them of what they did to you yesterday, last week, last month or even 5 years ago.

You are not really taking in everything they are saying. You are busy getting your “ammo” ready in your head to fire back.

You get your chance and you fire back at full throttle. Your partner is not feeling heard and they get louder with even more “ammo” against you.

Amongst all of this back and forward blaming and deflecting each other, there might be name calling until finally someone storms off.

How could all of this be avoided?

You still have no resolution.

Instead, you are left with an elevated heart rate, animosity, resentment, contempt, unforgiveness and maybe even hatred and disrespect.

So what is the answer? Where did it all go wrong?

It went wrong in the beginning of the conversation.

The first person could have said something like

“Honey, my feelings were hurt when you said this to me yesterday. It made me feel unsupported and I didn’t feel valued as your partner.”

The other person could respond with

“I’m sorry honey. I didn’t mean to make you feel like that. I think you’re doing a great job. It must be so difficult for you.”

What happened in this exchange?

The 1st person explained they felt hurt by their partner’s words and why.

Rather than the partner getting offended and justifying their position, they acknowledged their partners feelings and validated how it made them feel. They also validated them as a person and how difficult it is for them.

The person who is feeling hurt will come away feeling heard, validated and valued. This is what a healthy exchange looks like.

If it was the woman who was expressing the way she felt, notice the man did not need to come up with a solution. The woman just needed to feel heard and validated. Notice the man did not dismiss his partners feelings.