Relationships

When couples come together they often have trouble understanding each other and they miss each others communication styles.

They bring with them the communication styles they were modelled as children. Whether these communication styles, (especially during conflict) are dysfunctional or functional, accepted or rejected by the child, they will still subcontiously or contiously take those communication styles with them into their adult relationships and will consider them as normal. They may not even realise they’re doing it. So in each relationship there will be two different communication styles trying to work as one.

So what is the answer? How does a couple make the relationship work during conflict? How can each person make themselves heard?

A common mistake people make in relationships is they go into relationships believing their partner has to make them happy. This means each person will be looking to the other person to get their needs met.

But in a relationship, each person should be looking to meet the other persons needs, essentially, putting the other person first.
If each person focused on meeting the needs of their partner, putting the other person in the centre of the relationship, they would be working as a team. To work as a team, you work with the other person, not against the other person. When one person is weak, the other person carries them emotionally.

Relationship Percentages

A healthy relationship will be 100/100 not 50/50. 50/50 means each person is only putting in half the effort 100% of the time.

Sometimes it will be 80/20 or 60/40 and so on depending what the other person is going through but each person has to be prepared to carry more of the load when the other is weaker. It should only be for a short period unless theres other factors such as physical, mental or emtional health issues. Then the weaker person will require more loving support. This is not the time to abandon them or the relationship.

Unconditional Love

Relationships must have unconditional love. (This does not mean abuse of any type is over looked. I am referring to a relationship without abuse in this blog.)

A relationship with unconditional love will listen to the other persons concerns.

Conflict takes place when each person wants to be heard over their partner. Each person or one person might be dismissive of the other persons concerns. Body language and tone of voice might be aggressive. All this does is create resistance within the relationship.

If you want to turn your relationship around, listen to your partner. This means to not talk while theyre talking then validate theyre concerns. Dont bring up their faults and failings from the past. Dont become defensive. Dont deflect. Be aware of your body language and tone of voice when you reply. Keep your tone of voice gentle and calm. What is your posture like when responding? Are your arms folded and is your facial expression saying I dont care what your needs are!!

If they’re feeling attacked, or not understood or they’re not feeling supported, acknowledge that and ask what do they need from you. Once you engage in a positive manner, their walls will begin to come down because they are no longer feeling threatened or uncared for.

For a relationship to work, each person needs to feel safe to show vulnerability to the other. When there’s vulnerability combined with unconditional love practiced consistently in a relationship a strong bond will form between two people and dissolve any conflict before it escilates.