Relationship Questions

Do you feel heard in your relationship or are you being talked over?

Do you stop talking long enough to listen to your partner and not just so you’re getting ready to say the next word?

To listen to another person so they feel heard means to validate their feelings and not defend your position.

If you realise your partner has misunderstood your message and taken offence by what you’ve said or is blaming you for their feelings, don’t tell them they’re wrong. Doing this will shut down the doors of communication. Validate their feelings. You can respond with “I’m sorry you feel this way. I didn’t mean to upset you. That is what I meant……I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”

Don’t tell your partner they’re wrong or “That’s not what I said!!”

Remember you are both on the same team. You’re not enemies.

If you find yourself over reacting in a conversation check yourself and ask am I being triggered by past traumas or childhood traumas? Could these triggers be masking the innocence of the conversation?

If you realise events from your childhood make you hypersensitive to certain topics, be open and honest with your partner and explain, “I’m sorry honey for overreacting. When you said …… I felt like I was back in my childhood when this happened.”

The key to conflict is open communication, not attacking, blaming, deflecting, (You hurt me when you said this!!” “Well remember when you did this last year!!”

At the height of conflict is generally when things are said to hurt the other person. This is when the heart rate is at its peak. This is when name calling, attacking, blaming, deflecting, criticism, contempt, yelling and screaming will take place until one person storms off.

When you feel your heart rate is at its peak during conflict say to your partner, “I’m not thinking rationally right now. I’m going to go for a walk. Can we come back to this later when I’m thinking straight?” The other person needs to say “that’s OK, I’ll be here ready to listen when you’re ready to talk”, and not chase the other person down until they finish the conflict.

By walking away from conflict temporarily with the intention of revisiting it rationally or allowing the other person to walk away and agreeing to revisiting the issue, this is putting the other person first in the relationship rather than putting yourself in the center of the relationship and thinking how the issue affects you.

For a relationship to work each person needs to put the other person first during conflict.

Conflict isn’t meant to divide and conquer two people in a relationship.

Conflict is meant to be used as a tool to recognise each person in the relationship has needs which are not getting met. Maybe the needs are to feel heard and validated.