Negativity in Relationships

Negativity has more chance to destroy a relationship than positivity has to heal a relationship because a lot more positivity is needed to cover up criticisms and putdowns, contempt and anger.

Two people in a relationship have two very different brains. Each person is capable of inadvertently hurting each others feelings but not all conflict is the same. This is because of the different personalities.

One person might be untidy while the other person likes a perfect house.

While the tidy person sees a mess all over the house, the untidy person doesn’t see an issue with the house at all. This issue becomes an ongoing battle in the relationship. While one person is not feeling heard the other person is feeling nagged. This effects the emotional and physical connection because of hurtful things that are said during their conflict because two people do not understand each other.

The end result is often one person storming off with maybe the other person following them demanding a solution. Of course a solution can not be reached at this point because there are two people in a gridlock where no compromise can be reached while there are two people wounded and in pain.

What needed to happen before the conflict is the tidy partner needed to say e.g.

“Honey, when you don’t pick up after yourself I feel like your mother nagging you to keep your room tidy. I don’t want to be your mother. I’m your wife. I want us to be on the same team.”

The untidy partner might say,

“I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t realise that’s what I was doing. But you’re right. It felt like I was being nagged by my mother to clean up my room.

I don’t want you to be my mother either.

Thank you for letting me know how you feel.”

In this type of exchange there is no heated argument because two people are explaining how they feel and both people feel heard.

This exchange can happen when both people take the attitude

“I care when you’re hurting.”

If you would like more tools like this in your relationship, click on the link below for a booking today.