In Domestic Violent Relationships, The Victim May Say They Love The Abuser

In domestic violent relationships, the victim may say they love the abuser. Why?

The victim remembers their partner earlier on in the relationship and probably during the “love bombing” stage when their partner was showering them with not only things but also compliments. They may have been patient and kind and treated the victim with respect and affectionate names. This can continue anywhere from a few weeks to a few months and even a year or more before the abuser shows who they are. By this stage, the victim has built up a loving relationship with the abuser. They feel safe until everything changes. The abuse isn’t always physical. It can be psychological, verbal, spiritual, emotional, sexual or financial or all of the above. Much like the frog in a saucepan of warm water, he doesn’t realise he’s in danger until the heat is turned up, the victim doesn’t realise they’re in an abusive relationship until “the heat is turned up”. Sometimes, if the abuse isn’t physical, the victim isn’t aware they’re in an abusive relationship and may even deny they are.

At first, the victim will reason away the abuse. “It was my fault, I didn’t do this” or “He’s been working hard” or “He didn’t mean it”. The abuser may even apologise after each outburst, may give the victim flowers or gifts and promise not to do it again but of course, the abuse is repeated and may escalate over the years.

Some forms of abuse may be in the way of making fun of the victim when they’re both with friends or when the victim is absent. The abuser may be running down the victim to mutual friends and family. This can go on for the duration of their relationship without the victim being aware of it.

Some abusers do not allow their partner to work while other abusers refuse to work while making the victim work then taking control of their income, leaving the victim with nothing.

Some victims are forbidden to have a drivers license.

Why do victims claim to love their abusers? The victims remember the relationship when things were “good” and hold on hoping for things to change. They believe there is still good in their abuser, after all, he did love me in the beginning, right?
Friends may say “Why did you date them!!” Or “Didn’t you know they were like that before you married them!!” Or “Why did you stay so long!!”
Think back to the frog in the warm water scenario.

The answer to this is in the beginning, the abuser was probably loved bombing their victim.

The abuser’s friends may believe an abuser is genuinely a good person. This makes it difficult for the victim during the abuse or after they’ve dared to leave the relationship because they realise they have no support network. The abuser has everyone convinced they’re the victim while it is the victim who is the abuser, leaving the victim with no support.

Even after all of this, the victim may find themselves still wanting to return to the abuser, (some victims will return multiple times before they realise the pattern of abuse is never going to change and the abuse will more than likely escalate after each return), because of the loneliness they are left with.