As a child did you grow up with shame?

Maybe you didn’t realise that’s what it was you were feeling and if you were unaware that that’s what you were feeling, you could continue the behaviour on to your children and then they would grow up feeling ashamed and put it on their children and so on.
So what does shame look like?
When a small child runs to mummy or daddy with exciting news about a ladybird they found outside and the parents, in deep conversation might respond sharply to the child with “Shoosh!! Be quiet!! Cant, you see mummy and daddy are talking!!” Or as a small child, they might pick a pretty flower from the garden for mummy but the flower is from a garden which has taken mummy along to grow and mummy scolds the child with “You naughty boy!! You’ve destroyed my garden!! Cant, you do anything right!!” Mummy might even smack the child and send him to his room.
What is the message the child is receiving each time? That he is not valued. He tried to please by picking a flower for mummy, but he was scolded for it so his efforts were in vain.
If this response to the child is left unrepaired, the child will continue to develop feeling undervalued if he continues to hear the same responses throughout his childhood & adolescence.
As you have seen and maybe experienced for yourself, parents are not perfect and they transfer their fears and anxiety onto their children if they are not quick enough to catch themselves. Those who are more intune with themselves will either take the time to look at the lady bird and give the child a warm embrace for the freshly picked flowers or at least apologize to the child for snapping at them and reinforce how loved they are.
If you are aware of growing up with feelings of shame, you can stop the cycle now by checking yourself when communicating with your child.
Adults underestimate the effects their words have on a child. A child believes every word their parents tell them and they carry these words with them into adulthood and into their relationships.
My mother was shamed as a child by her parents by taking her out of school at the beginning of Yr 7 because she was “too stupid to stay in school”. Every time my mother doesnt understand something she refers to herself as stupid. She has carried this her whole life.
A small child who is told “youre a naughty boy!!” by his father before his father walks out, never to return again, believes his father left because hes a naughty boy. This belief forms his whole life with him believing he is nothing but a naughty boy and chooses friends who live on the edge because thats how he sees himself.
Shame stops a child from reaching their full potential because they lose the belief they are valued.
Unlike sadness, happiness or anger, all of which have physical expressions, shame does not. Instead, it is carried long term internally into adulthood. This can cause a person to withdraw from their relationships. Deeper feelings of shame can turn into aggression or bullying or behaviour of superiority.
According to Psychologist Gershen Kaufman, there is a link between shame and eating disorders, addictive disorders, phobias and sexual dysfunction.
When a child is shamed, it might correct their behaviour but they learn nothing about empathy, causing them to look inward, focusing on themselves and pleasing others.
No good thing comes from shaming a child.
A child with a healthy self-esteem will grow up with words of affirmation and encouragement, boundaries that teach respect for another person’s property through love and respect of the child.
A child who grows up under shame is not a confident child who has or respects other peoples boundaries and therefore will have difficulties not only forming but keeping healthy relationships.